he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
