I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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