Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
