Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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