a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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