All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
