I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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