my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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