Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
