how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
