He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Randomize
