I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
