sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Randomize
