do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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