If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
