i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Randomize
