every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
