life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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