Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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