So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
