I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
