even my farts smell like vagina
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
