Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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