i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
