i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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