Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
