my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
a search helicopter?!
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
