Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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