I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
