hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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