Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
