So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
