My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
