So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
be right there i have to get my cape
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