alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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