Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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