Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Let's paint friendship bongs
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
