So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
