my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
