My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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