i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize