Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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