currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
