Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I touched a dick in church today
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