just tell him i said nine months
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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