she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
