I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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