he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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