Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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