just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize