Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
