I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
