dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize