she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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