Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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