Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
