I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
