I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
