I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
