Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Randomize
