he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
