The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
