I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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